Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Question: why am I here?

I guess I could call this step #3, although I feel like this whole blog is my journey to as much an answer as I can find. 
To be honest I have asked myself this question for my entire career up to this point.  Once I had the baby this question seemed to predominate my mind and thoughts.  I'm a good worker and am good at my job, and make a decent salary.  All of a sudden this was no longer enough.  I was at work, going through the motions, doing and being good at my job, but feeling like a shell.  My spiritual self would stare down at my physical self and see me being, but being unhappy at the same time. My question now became "why am I here at this job, unhappy?"  What an overwhelming thought!  I answered this question everyday for months, and my answer was always "I don't know" and this made me very sad.  I found it hard to believe that such a rewarding field can leave someone so empty and unsatisfied...I realized that my direction within my field was the problem.  I reminded myself and thought daily of my last days in OT school.  We sat around in our small classroom and announced what our dream as an OT was.  My answer was so far from what I was doing and I knew I had to get back to reaching my goal: working with community based clients, helping them remain at home, and consult.  Realizing, and I mean really realizing, that your life path has veered far from your yellow brick road is shocking, depressing, and causes a bit of an anxiety attack!  Once I reached this realization it's all I could think about.  I kept thinking about how much time I felt had been "wasted" working and moving along in life.  I could no longer enjoy my baby.  It was enough.  I gave notice, which was a months long decision, not only emotionally (I had many friends and colleagues that I had great and mutual respect for) but financially (obviously) and mentally (the guilt I experienced for wanting leave a stable, steady, guaranteed, and frankly, easy job).   I know that there are many people that have been in this situation and can sympathize, which in some weird way, gives me some consolation.
But now I was scared.  My question of "why" now became "what."  "What am I going to do now?"  Don't think that I would leave one position without having something else lined up.  I signed on to work for a friends business, but there was absolutely no guarantee of steady work, which meant no guarantee of steady the breadwinner for my household this was a huge hesitation.  I had to remind myself that money isn't everything, and I was confident that in the long run things would work out so that is what I focused on.  To make things worse I felt like I was the only one (besides my friend who I was going to work for) that was confident of my decision.  I'm also working on starting a private practice of my own which takes time
I guess this leads me to my new motto.  The last time I transitioned from one job to the next my motto was "it is what it is."  Since this is no longer good enough I have now decided to "move forward and not dwell on the past."  Dwelling stresses me out and keeps me unfocused, which leads me to not move forward, which makes me depressed and sad, which I hate, cause that's not who I am, so there...
My new purpose in this journey with work is this:

                                         (Photo Courtesy of Caprice Nicole Photography)

If I remain depressed, stressed, empty, I realize that this is what my baby will be.  'Nuff said.  We are moving on, getting back on the yellow brick road, and being confident.

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